Borborygmi Translated Into English

July 26, 2000

Los Angeles, CA—Researchers announced Wednesday that Borborygmi, the enigmatic language of the digestive system, has been completely translated into English after a twenty-five year multidisciplinary effort.

The large intestine speaks

Although the existence of Borborygmi, also known as "bowel sounds," has been known for decades, their function as a form of communication not realized until 1975, when it was discovered that the pattern of audible "growlings" produced by the digestive tract could be predicted with startling accuracy in any given situation.

In the ensuing effort to decode the language, which linguistic experts believe to be derived from Monkey Borborygmi, significant milestones have included the unearthing in 1984 of twelve layers of intestinal ruins at the hepatic flexure, and corroborating evidence found at the cecum in 1993 suggesting a global alimentary conflict from 5243-5120 B.C.

However, the language itself remained undeciphered until 1996, when the so-called "Coletta Stone" was discovered in the gall bladder of a woman with fever, right upper quadrant pain, and a positive Murphy's Sign.

Inscribed on this stone were poem fragments in two different dialects of Borborygmi, along with a translation of the same poem into Latin.

According to linguists, this discovery was the chief breakthrough leading to the complete translation of Borborygmi into English.

"Without the Coletta Stone, this beautiful and mysterious language would have remained a mystery to us forever," said lead investigator Aaron Bloomfield, PhD. during Wednesday's press conference.

"Now, it's finally possible for human beings to discuss current events, sports, or the weather with their own sigmoid colons, or to have the terminal ileum call 911 on its own during serious flare-ups of Crohn's Disease."

Plans are underway for a Borborygmi Bible, a "See It & Say It In Borborygmi" series for children, and a Borborygmi version of the Beatles' "Let It Be."

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