Q Fever! Medical Humor & Satire

September 6, 2000 | Volume 1, Issue 7

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Astrology For The Medically Challenged™

Q Fever! isn't afraid to ask: "Do you believe in magick?"

Studies have shown conclusively that an unquestioning, mindless belief in the occult is an important part of the health and healing process.

And, much as licensed homeopaths do, we submit that the supernatural is in fact realer than what actually makes sense, or has been shown to be true.

Here's proof: Stetho-Scopes.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Strangely, you have too much to do and not a clue as to how you should do it. If you are suffering inside, keep it all in. No one has to know what you are going through, because they probably don't even care. Just remember, your cholesterol is lower than theirs is. Remind them of this when they get on your nerves.

Taurus (April 20 -May 20)
You are in love. Your life has never seemed so complete. Roses are by your bedside, fragrant whiffs of your sweetheart permeate your clothes. Your heart is palpitating with glee. Just hope they're atrial beats and not a prelude to ventricular fibrillation, which usually ends up putting a damper on a relationship.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
You survived the recent Labor Day weekend. You're back in your room, and your new arrival is in the bassinet after his recent feeding. Boy, are your proud of him: Apgars of 9 and 9. You better write that down since Harvard is now looking at Apgars in addition to SATs; and I mean O2 SATs of 95% or better, and not that dumb test you take in high school, cuz we all know that tests in high school have nothing to do with college performance.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
So, your computer broke down. This month, don't fix it yourself. Just sit back, call the Help Desk people, and wait a few weeks. They'll fix it eventually. Meanwhile, use this time to explore the hospital a bit. One of my favorite things to do is grab the employees' radiation badges who are on vacation. Set the badges on the CT scanner table and run about 7-8 scans. Boy, will they be surprised at the end of the month.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
Again, I expect a bad month for you Leo's out there. Don't take it personally, good times for you are not yet in the stars. Perhaps the best thing for you this month is to diet, exercise and try to lose some of that extra weight. I hear, though, that some airlines are now reserving their best seats for those who are horizontally challenged. So, frequent fliers might best eat that 3rd bag-o-chips.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept. 22)
On the 13th a Harvest Moon confuses Virgo more than it helps. At least it's more pleasant than that mooning Mr. Walker from 512 just gave you. Boy, was that a surprise. He usually keeps his gown on. So perhaps a little more vitamin H will help him and little more Vitamin D will help you. Get out and enjoy the sun before it starts raining again.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Friends want to be supportive, but you keep pushing them away. Why don't you try letting them help you. Moving Mrs. Jasper on and off that gurney by yourself can cause more than just a little back spasm. Hey, you can either ask for help or pop another 4 ibuprofen, and you know which one I would suggest you do.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Love in the elevator. To bad the elevator in question is the one that leads directly from the ER to the OR. It is always hard to strike up that conversation with James when you are using the Ambu bag, or squeezing another liter/litre bag of Lactated Ringers. Hey, but remember, James likes your smile and he likes when your whistle, so whistle while you work. And smile.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
You have renewed sense of inner joy. It is probably that double dose of Prilosec you just took or even your completion of the triple drug regimen for H. pylori. Boy, that metronidazole can sure give you the heebee geebees or is it just those Bee Gees that you have playing on the radio. Those Bee Gees can really do a number on your inner joy, can't they.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Dress differently this month. Draw attention to yourself and to your important ideas. Mix and match scrubs; purple on top and green bottoms is the best combination for you, as you are already as cute as an eggplant. And even though your idea for eggplants replacing eggs because eggplants don't have cholesterol never caught on in the past, now's your chance to try again.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Ah... Aquarius, the water sign, is my favorite. That weeble idea you got from this column didn't go over so well, did it?! I think you just ate too much. This month, express yourself. Try a new hairstyle, new deodorant, or even a new Lexus. In fact, this month, you can even try one of those washable tattoos. They come with all the fun and you can leave those Hep C worries at home.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
The Harvest Moon transits Pisces on the 12th and 13th. A universal feeling of ease and peace fill your heart and soul and maybe even your wallet (not with money, though - long story). The stars show that you should go to the mall this month. Shop carefully for the best back-to-school clothing, and no matter what the salesperson tells you…brown is not the next black and orange is not the next brown…black is black and everything else is just a scam.

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