Q Fever! Medical Humor & Satire

October 4, 2000 | Volume 1, Issue 9

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Astrology For The Medically Challenged™

Q Fever! isn't afraid to ask: "Do you believe in magick?"

Studies have shown conclusively that an unquestioning, mindless belief in the occult is an important part of the health and healing process.

And, much as licensed homeopaths do, we submit that the supernatural is in fact realer than what actually makes sense, or has been shown to be true.

Here's proof: Stetho-Scopes.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Largess is your middle name and I don't mean that in a metaphorical sense - I mean it really is your middle name! If Largess is not your middle name, either you're not an Aries, your parents are lying to you, or both. Either way you are large and in charge. Have it your way at Burger King baby!

Taurus (April 20 -May 20)
The stars inform me that a vague feeling on the 2nd turns into a focused feeling by the 4th. As Sting would say, "And inside every turning leaf is the pattern of an older tree, the shape of our future, the shape of all our history." As the leaves turn this fall to a golden yellow and salmon red, your confusion passes, and so does your gas.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
Your odynophagia is still around. Perhaps you should stop eating Doritos without chewing them. In fact, chewing is a good idea no matter what you eat. Brush your teeth and chew your food, floss them when you're in the mood, and listen, listen so I don't get sued.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
So love is in the air! The guy lying next to you in bed #4 of the MICU has really gotten you excited. It's a perfect match! MRSA, VRE, ready to wean… you both are just about headed for the step-down unit. And as Led Zeppelin used to sing: "You've been coolin', baby, I've been droolin', All the good times I've been misusin', Way, way down inside, I'm gonna give you my love…"

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
Finally, your luck is turning. You've taken that new job, purchased that new house, and started out on your own towards your new life. Just like King Lot, don't look back. It ain't pretty where you've been this past year and none of us want to think about it, particularly me. Just stop calling me already, you're OK and I'm busy!!!

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept. 22)
There's a moon over Bourbon Street tonight. The 1st quarter moon clearly marks your path to happiness. Remember that there are very few paths to happiness that involve Path. Autopsies, cadavers, slides, microscopes, dark rooms, and all of your patients are already dead. In fact if you are not Quincy, then Path is not the path for you. Do Radiology instead, now there's a profession very different from Pathology, eh?

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
The first quarter moon in October brings you into a growth period. I say you weigh about 206 now, and by the end of the month you should be up to your ideal weight of 237. I know, some of you are 5 feet tall and some are 6 foot 7, but it is equality of mass that is important. Just remember: if you eat a pound of chocolate, the most weight you can gain is a pound.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
The new moon returns to your sign on the 27th. Until then, you've gotta keep working. Do extra shifts, take extra call, moonlight like crazy, and empty all Foley catheter bags. After the 27th, you'll be able to relax. Perhaps you should plan a trip to the Caribbean or to Hawaii. If you already live in Hawaii, eat dirt.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
It is time to show that magnetic side to your personality. You should have no trouble attracting people of the other sex, if that is your wish. Be careful not to stand to close to an MRI machine. That would be a real bummer. Also, maybe you should avoid carrying credit cards this month, they don't seem to like magnets. Go with cash.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
So, your computer broke down. This month, don't fix it yourself. Just sit back, call the Help Desk people, and wait a few weeks. They'll fix it eventually. Meanwhile, use this time to explore the hospital a bit. One of my favorite things to do is to find some Canadian coins and stuff them in all of the hospital vending machines. This will either jam up the machines or get you a 40% discount on Hershey's Bars. Either way, you come out a winner.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Ah... Aquarius, the water sign, is my favorite. You've just purchased a new blender and you're not sure why. But there are so many fun things you can do with a blender! Milkshakes, smoothies, mixed drinks, soups, and even pesto can be made in a blender. Just remember to keep you hands clear of the blade and be careful not to touch the plug with your wet hands or feet.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
The moon is in Pisces from the 9th to the 11th. Angels are all around you. You are protected from all evil in the world. But Neptune and Mercury are messing with your mind and Jupiter is putting spots in your vision. Just swim as you always do away from the pressure, but make sure you clean your ears. No one likes getting otitis externa, not even fish like yourself.

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