Q Fever! Medical Humor & Satire

November 29, 2000 | Volume 1, Issue 11

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Astrology For The Medically Challenged™

Q Fever! isn't afraid to ask: "Do you believe in magick?"

Studies have shown conclusively that an unquestioning, mindless belief in the occult is an important part of the health and healing process.

And, much as licensed homeopaths do, we submit that the supernatural is in fact realer than what actually makes sense, or has been shown to be true.

Here's proof: Stetho-Scopes.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
So, your computer broke down. This month, don't fix it yourself. Just sit back, call the Help Desk people, and wait a few weeks. They'll fix it eventually. Meanwhile, use this time to explore the hospital a bit. One of my favorite things to do is to call the clinic receptionist and schedule appointments on Friday for fake patients for myself and all of my friends. Then when Friday comes along, bring a big cake to clinic and party! The cake should be chocolate with butter cream frosting.

Taurus (April 20 -May 20)
Enjoy your Thanksgiving. If you have to work over the long weekend, take advantage of what is offered. I remember working a long weekend at the VA and having a lot of fun. The turkey was good, the football games were good, in fact the only bad thing was the canteen was closed so I couldn't buy fresh underwear for the next day like I usually do. Cheers!

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
If you are like most Gemini, you work in retail: the cafeteria, the gift shop, the pharmacy etc. Take time to enjoy the Thanksgiving weekend and rest up, because you have a very busy season ahead. By the 30th you should be back to full speed - just try to avoid taking to much phenylpropanolamine like you did last year.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
A vast pile of work lies ahead of you on the 27th. Get a head start now and you may be able to get through the end of the month unscathed. Perhaps you should try cutting back on your water intake a little. Yeah, the air's dry, but 15 trips to the bathroom is too many for one workday. I just hope that urinating is all you are doing in there.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
The New Moon on the 25th adds to your sense of well-being, and you may want to take the opportunity to see your doctor. Yes - even if you already are a doctor or nurse, you should still take time to see your doctor. If you can't see him/her that well, then perhaps you should make that trip to the optometrist. "Seeing is believing," they always say. For sure.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept. 22)
The 28th or 29th is a good time to change systems. For healthcare workers this may even have a double meaning, but I'm not sure what that might be. I think though that this month is a good time to bulk up. Leafy vegetables, whole wheat, and Metamucil are good to start with. See you there!

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Your grant proposal is due on the 27th, your due date is the 29th, and your rent is due on the first. What to do? Here's what: Take a vacation. Run away from your responsibilities as quickly as you can. Just remember to bring your OB-GYN, so when you deliver in St. Lucia everything will be fine. Oh, and don't forget your laptop.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
So you bought a Dell Laptop last month and it still hasn't arrived. The price has come down $300, but you're afraid to cancel and re-order because then you'll never get the computer. Just blow off those bastards at Dell. Sure they may make good computers, but those silly color pads that you can change are cheap gimmicks.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Access is going to be an issue this month. I know that's what I said last month, but this time it's serious. I'm talking about Microsoft Access. Your whole relational database is messed up and you have no idea of what a Query is (except that George Michael might be one). Be is Be, and B to B or not B2B is the question you should be asking yourself.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Important social functions could bring a feeling of peace into your life. Just remember to cover your mouth when you yawn or burp. Be yourself no matter what stress you feel emanating from others. You have strong powers of perception and the pain that you feel in your groin may be too much at times. Just get a Decaf Mocha Frappuchino and relax.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Ah... Aquarius, the water sign, is my favorite. This month, do not take your vision for granted. Your sight is one of your six most important senses. Wash your hands before you rub your eyes, or better yet, don't rub your eyes at all. A sty is nothing to laugh about, and neither is a chalazion. Unless you're going to be co-starring with Charlize Theron in the upcoming comedy "The Sty."

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
Be careful when you fly this month. I know it's hard to afford First Class on a meager managed care salary, but don't let the investment bankers have the better circulation. Every 15 minutes during your flight, stand up, walk a bit, and then return to your seat and fasten your seatbelt. No DVT's for you, and while you're up, stop by First Class and let the investment bankers have a piece of your mind and a bit of your phlegm.

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