Medical Journals Announce New “Groveling” Policy

February 7, 2001

NEW YORK, NY-The publishers of five major medical journals today issued a joint statement apparently ending the decades-long struggle between the editorial independence of the medical press versus its increasing financial dependence on the pharmaceutical industry.

Dr. Spitz supplicates
himself before a
drug industry
executive

Dr. Peter Spitz, president of Gamma Medical Publishing, announced that, effective immediately, such conflicts would be avoided whenever possible by "printing whatever the heck the big boys in the drug industry tell us to print."

The new policy is highlighted by the requirement that editors of major medical journals supplicate themselves before drug industry executives, whimpering softly and offering them snacks and gifts.

When asked whether medical editors would be required to provide sexual favors to pharmaceutical representatives, Spitz denied it as an expressly standard policy, but added, "off the record - if they ask, we give. That's the bottom line."

Dr. Elliot McDade, editor of The Journal of Medical Science and known drug-cartel lackey, responded enthusiastically to today's announcement, promising an upcoming supplement on "the importance of listening to drug reps and treating them nice."

A manuscript on the importance of drug company lunches in meeting the nutritional requirements of interns and residents is also expected.

"Cheap pizza contains many important nutrients," said McDade. "We're not seeing pellagra, beri-beri, or scurvy in house-officers anymore, and the drug industry deserves a lot of credit for that."

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