Q Fever! Medical Humor & Satire

February 6, 2002 | Volume 3, Issue 1

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Money Management

Dr. Karl

During residency, many house officers find themselves pressured financially, as meager salaries combine with student loans and escalating rents to diminish fiscal morale.

This issue, Q Fever!’s I&R correspondent, Dr. Karl Newman , shares the money managment secrets used by the pros!

Hey, kids! It's good to be back. After a couple months in a row rounding in the unit, y'all sure is a sight for sore eyes!

It's kinda like my grandpa Eubie used to say:

A man don't know what he missin'
Til' dey ain't nothins' left he 'kin piss 'in

So let's get down to business. You're working eighty hours a week and making $33G a year. On top of that, you're paying a thousand bucks a month for rent. Done the math yet? And we haven't even factored in eating and calling home once a week.

No wonder your savings have hit a two-inch high brick wall!

Now, let's face it, you aren't gonna be cutting back on any of those expenses any time soon. We're talking bare minimum as it is, Sarge!

So without further ado, here are some ideas for increasing your cash inflow. Think of them as concepts, ideas, that you can adapt to your own economic necessitations!

Note: Even though these methods have been field-tested by hundreds of satisfied interns and residents, please use them at your own discretion!

1. Moonlight.

Ah, the ol' standard. Possibilities abound. I like working the drive through at Arby's at night and on weekends - all the mmm mmm roast beef you can eat. Mmm!

2. Apply for welfare.

Look at it this way. You're making $1.30 an hour, before taxes. That more than qualifies you for state aid. And, there are applications available on the web. For those internet-savvy welfare applicants out there!

3. Turn in Osama Bin Laden.

$25 million bucks, dude!! That's $25 million more than the bastard's worth, plus you'll be a hero to the entire free world. You know it's the right thing to do!

4. Sublease the call room.

Think about it. Every few nights, you get exclusive use of the on-call room, but do you actually need to use it? For an hour or so, tops! That's what I call a waste. Instead, sublease it out to a homeless person or other needy individual. They'll appreciate having a place to stay every now and then, and you'll feel good about having done the right thing!

5. Have Arthur Andersen do your taxes.

All right, this one hasn't actually been tested yet. But it does make sense, doesn't it! Just be ready to testify before the Senate subcommittee when they come for ya. Time to invest in a shredder!

6. Set up a lemonade stand in the Recovery Room.

Every surgeon will tell you - there's nothing better than a nice cool glass of lemonade after an afternoon or evening of surgery. That goes for patients too! And you don't have to be exorbitant about it. $1 for a small, $1.75 for a medium, and $2.50 for a large are prices well within the range of reason. One dude I know made $60K on the side doing this one year!

So, there you have it. You'll be climbin' into the black and rollin' in the green before you know it. Don't be greedy though - share the wealth. And don't forget the little people you rounded with on the way up!

Signin' off, this is Dr. Karl Newman reminding you,

“Just tell ‘em Dr. Karl sent ya!”

Karl Newman, MD is a second-year resident in Internal Medicine. The views expressed in this article do not necessarily represent those of Q Fever!, its editors, or its writers.

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