Brown-Nosing Medical Students Often Immune to Hepatitis A

April 23, 2003

MIAMI, FL—Researchers at the University of Miami have suggested that overzealous ass-kissing by ambitious medical students frequently results in subclinical hepatitis A infection. The findings may suggest that it is not necessary for such suck-asses to receive hepatitis A vaccination, as they are already immune.

Dr. Herbert Quinton

While the mechanism of infection is still being elucidated, investigator Dr. Herbert Quinton suggested that the phenomenon could be explained by the proximity of students' noses to the butts of those who will be writing them letters of reference.

"Look, just last month I had a student on [the gastroenterology consult] service who wants to get a Medicine residency here," said Quinton. "The guy was kissing my ass left, right, and center. 'I love that tie, Dr. Quinton.' 'That's so true, Dr. Quinton.' Gimme a break. If I was walking down the hall and stopped suddenly he would literally poke me in the tush with his face. It's no surprise that someone like that would have substantial exposure to the types of microbes found in my stool."

Coliforms

Other stool-associated organisms found in the noses of obsequious butt-lickers have included E. coli, enterococci, and Bacteroides species.

Commenting on the findings at a hastily-called press conference, third-year medical student Hanson Glick stated that the study "really enhances our understanding of this important area. I'm so impressed by Dr. Quinton's research. I read this paper several times, and it just became more interesting every time I read it."

Remember: Quality Without The Q Is Just Uality!