Q Fever! Medical Humor & Satire

July 2, 2003 | Volume 4, Issue 2

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Ass-Concealing Gown In Final Stages Of Development

Marks radical new concept in hospital attire

SYDNEY, AU--Citing an increase in the incidence of awkward encounters with half-naked patients in hospitals, Australian researchers are reaching the “final stages” in the development of a revolutionary new patient gown they claim will do what no gown before it has ever done – completely cover the ass of the individual wearing it.

Ass-concealing gown: Artist's rendition

“Hospital moonings have been on the rise,” says project supervisor Danny Prouty. “While some of these are undoubtedly intentional, the fact remains that sudden exposure to excessively chunky or lumpy portions of another person’s anatomy can be psychologically devastating, even to hardened healthcare providers.”

Traditionally, patients desiring complete ass-concealment have had limited options. For slender and obese individuals alike, depending solely on the small string in the back of their gowns has been shown to be woefully inadequate. In a study published in 1993 in the Journal of Clinical Practice, asses were partially or completely visible in 80% of patients using the string method alone.

The same study found that wearing two gowns, one forwards and one backwards, improved concealment by up to 60%, but made examination and many procedures difficult. Other methods, such as continuing to wear underwear and pants beneath the gowns, were even more effective, but were felt to defeat the original purpose of the gown and were not recommended.

“That’s where NuGowns® come in,” says Prouty. “Without getting into the details, what we’ve done is develop an ass-covering flap that drops down when it senses an accidental exposure about to occur. At all other times, the flap stays neatly out of place, allowing for complete ass-access when needed.

Response to the gown’s development has been overwhelmingly positive. “I was unintentionally mooned by a man back in ‘84,” says internist Dr. Donald Huebner, “and even now, it’s as if it just happened yesterday. The worst was the feeling of powerlessness ... of being unable to look, and yet strangely unable to turn away at the same time. This kind of thing happens every day in hospitals around the world – and it’s got to come to an end.”

Shipment of the first NuGowns® is anticipated in September.

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