Q Fever! Medical Humor & Satire

June 14, 2000 | Volume 1, Issue 1

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Earth Slightly Anemic; Needs More Exercise

Overall health "pretty good"

TULSA, FL—Earth is in 'pretty good shape' despite mild anemia and a need to increase its physical activity, said Dr. Michelle Carver, Earth's personal physician, at a press conference held yesterday in Tulsa.

According to Carver, the planet has been in generally good spirits of late, with the only complaint being an apparent increase in abdominal girth. 'Basically, what it really wanted was a prescription for [weight-loss medication] Xenical', said Carver. "I told it to cut its fat intake, get off the couch, and start getting some regular exercise!"

Earth's Woes
4.5 Bill. B.C. Earth born in Fresno, CA
3.2 Bill. B.C. Learns to ride bicycle; hit by drunken motorist
12 Mill. B.C. Lice
3 Mill. B.C. Gives birth to moon; Father Time elopes with Venus
2.2 Mill. B.C. Obtains driver's license, immediately plows into haystack on I-380 in Scranton, PA
500,000 B.C. Attends Fairfield University in Connecticut; catches Mono from sophomore Alice Berger
150,000 B.C. Becomes a vegan; develops peripheral neuropathy
11,000 B.C. Homo sapiens infestation; albendazole ineffective.
5000 B.C. Dennis Rodman arrives from Pluto
1000 A.D. Older brother Neptune has triple-vessel coronary bypass
1200 A.D. Converts to Islam - changes name briefly to Sanyika Shabazz
1914-1945 A.D. Generalized tonic-clonic convulsions
1945-1989 A.D. Paranoid schizophrenia, treated with Glasnost (Pfizer)
1996 A.D. Forced to join HMO by employer
1998 A.D. Unable to obtain authorization for emergency cholecystectomy; pays out of pocket. Leaves HMO.

Dr. Carver, an internist at Tulsa Medical Center, added that 'stopping smoking was the best thing the Earth ever did for itself.'

The news comes as a relief for the 4.5 billion year old planet's plant and animal inhabitants, especially in light of its recent well-publicized health woes [see sidebar]. Earth, a long-time manic depressive, "seems to have responded nicely to low-dose Prozac," said Carver, "which has complemented the Lithium quite nicely."

She noted that the planet's recent CT scan was relatively unremarkable "except for mild inflammation in Central America and the Middle East", and that there "hasn't been a global depression since the late Eighties".

She attributed a slight anemia to irregular perimenopausal bleeding, and hot flashes/mood swings to the Greenhouse Effect. "I see it all the time in this age group. It should go away on its own in about 2 million years."

Others in the medical profession, however, do not share Dr. Carver's optimism. "It's clear that the Earth's mood has been artificially fueled by the always risky combination of lithium and an anti-depressant," said Dr. Malcolm Midler, Professor of Psychiatry at Hofstra Medical Center. "My feeling is that once the mania dies down, an unprecedented period of clinical depression will ensue."

"Plus, it's clear that [the Earth] drinks way too much whiskey," he added.

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