Some Sectors Unaffected By Limp U.S. Economy

May 2, 2001

WASHINGTON, DC--Despite the U.S. stock markets' troubled recent performance, analysts remain bullish about sperm banks - one of the few sectors still thriving in the flaccid overall economy.

Future eBay, Amazon.com
customers

Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan stated during a meeting last Friday that "while overall market conditions aroused by diminishing fortunes in the global economic base continue to dissolve in face of collapsing equity markets, the surge in sperm bank deposits are the only tracked sector still jacking up upper-middle class male incomes."

"So, at this time," Greenspan added, "there is no need for mass perturbation."

Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan

Steven Waller, Professor of Economics at Jefferson University, explains that rising sperm deposits are a normal part of the business cycle.

"When stocks begin to decrease in value, the young male professional instinctively seeks out areas of increased return on investment. Sperm banking fits that role perfectly; plus, you've got an explosion of demand for sperm by successful women who want to have children, but won't marry a man with a sagging portfolio, if you know what I mean."

Waller expects the economy as a whole to stand fully erect again by Spring of 2002.

Remember: Quality Without The Q Is Just Uality!