New Medical Lasers Provide Hope, Firepower

July 12, 2000

MESA, AZ—The quiet desert town of Mesa is home to a revolution in medical technology, thanks to MedLaser Corporation. Now in their tenth year of operation, the local company is responsible for a new wave of multipurpose medical laser technologies that may help patients live healthier lives, and simultaneously protect the physicians who wield them.

While medical lasers have been used increasingly in recent years for eye surgery, skin peels, and even cardiac procedures, few of those lasers could be used to annihilate or disable attacking aliens and Stormtroopers, according to company spokesman Neil Prasad.

The MedLaser-2020

Prasad described the hand operated MedLaser-2020 as the most advanced multipurpose medical laser in existence. "Imagine you have a cardiac patient with a total occlusion of a coronary artery", said Prasad. "You blast through the grummous plaque with a laser device, and think you're home-free. Then suddenly a huge intergalactic slime-worm crashes into your procedure suite. With old model medical lasers you'd be in trouble. But with the MedLaser-2020, you just pivot, aim, and vaporize!"

According to MedLaser officials, the new device also has a handy 'stun' setting, which can be used to subdue unruly ancillary staff. "I think we're all familiar with the phrase 'set phasers on stun' from television's Star Trek series", said Prasad. "Once we started pouring all those resources into [the MedLaser-2020], it just made sense to throw a 'stun' feature in there."

Prasad emphasized the safety of the 'stun' function, asserting that it caused "absolutely no permanent ill effects." To demonstrate this, he pointed the device at his own left shoulder and 'stunned' himself, collapsing sluggishly into the arms of a waiting assistant.

Healthcare-worker unions and alien rights groups have given the device mixed reviews, and the FDA has delayed approval of the device, pending hearings.

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