Q Fever! Medical Humor & Satire

November 1, 2000 | Volume 1, Issue 10

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Admitting Patients

Dr. Karl

Dr. Karl Newman, Q Fever!'s I&R correspondent, is on vacation this issue.

Instead of his usual column, we present the following helpful template, designed and used by Dr. Karl himself, to help you while: Admitting Patients.: Admitting Patients.


CC: __________ pain for 10 days
     Body part

HPI: Pt is a __________ year old ________ ________ 
# btw 50-200 Ethnicity Occupation with a PMHx significant for ________, ________, and Rare Dz. Common Dz. __________ who was in his/her usual state of _________ insect(pl.) Adjective health until 10 days ago when patient ___________ a Active verb-past tense bottle of __________, after which time pt. began to Chemical element notice ______ smelling bowel movements associated with adjective __________ vomitus and profound __________. Pt called color ROS complaint his/her ___________, who recommended over-the-counter occupation ___________. Patient then developed increased production Chemo drug of __________ smelling ___________ and presented to the adjective Body fluid _______________ for evaluation. The patient denies Hospital Location __________ pain or __________ discharge. Body part Body part PMHx: As above Social Hx: Occasional _______. Lives with _________. Vice 70's sitcom actor Sexually active with _________; practices safe sex Superhero using _________ for protection. Noun (pl.) Allergies:__________ Any four letters Meds: 1) Extract of __________ to affected area bid Animal 2) __________ enema po bid Any type of fluid 3) ___________ PR qid Any medication Fam Hx: Unknown (Pt. Raised by wild __________) Animal (pl.) PE: Looks __________, but __________ Adjective Adjective Exam: Refused Labs: Significant only for hyper_________-emia and Chemical element __________ __________ cells on peripheral blood smear. Color Noun CXR: No infiltrates or __________ Noun (pl.) A/P: Patient presents with perplexing diagnosis of __________ vs. _________ Psych Dx Rare Dx 1) __________ IV x 1 stat Herbal remedy 2) Urgent __________ of __________ Radiology test Part of anatomy 3) Follow CBC, _________, _________ analysis q6h Bizarre lab test Fluid 5) Observe __________ for signs/sxs of __________ Adverb Emotion 6) Case discussed with __________ Current events figure 7) Code status: patient is __________ Any 3-letter abbrev.

“Just tell ‘em Dr. Karl sent ya!”

Karl Newman, MD is a second-year resident in Internal Medicine. The views expressed in this article do not necessarily represent those of Q Fever!, its editors, or its writers.

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