Bush Administration Identifies Tree Overgrowth As Major Public Health Issue
President vows to act to prevent "global cooling"

WASHINGTON, DC--President George W. Bush, speaking in his weekly radio address, reaffirmed his administration's resolve to "protect the public's health, by eliminating unwieldish trees that threaten to fall on many of our proud citizens."

George W. Bush

Citing a report by the James Watt Center for Environmental Modification, Bush noted that "many trees can be very tall, and so can cause injury if they fall down."

Bush added that he expects many trees to "start spontaneously falling down" as his administration's other environmental policies kick in.

"We must act today, with chainsaws powered by honest American gasoline, to rid our land of these leafy intruders," he said in yesterday's statement.

Bush explained that the arboreal cull would "help slow global cooling, which is enhanced by trees, due to their consumption of the nation's valuable carbon dioxide stores."

"Scientists have warned us that if this tree menace is not curbed, we will face extreme cooling of the North American climate", continued Bush. "This summer, many Americans may be prevented from barbequeing. In the Land of the Brave, that is intolerateable [sic]."

The president will signal the start of the tree cull next week in a gala, invitation only event that will culminate in his knocking over a couple of elms on the White House lawn with a backhoe.