HOUSTON, TX--After years of studies linking increasing carbon dioxide levels to global warming and rising sea levels, scientists have abruptly changed course and now claim "The Greenhouse Effect" does not, in fact, exist.

The Earth

According to the National Academy of Sciences, the Earth's surface temperature rise of about 1 degree Fahrenheit in the past century is actually due to the fact that the Earth's crust is sinking into the earth's core.

"The compression of the Earth's crust by 59 million morbidly obese Americans," said N.A.S. spokesperson Carl Correa, "not only causes the waves to crash ever higher onto U.S. shores, but is also expected to lower Denver's altitude from a mile-high to that of Death Valley by 2022."

Studies have shown that the increase in average weight of Americans over the past 30 years has correlated accurately with the rise in continental temperatures, and similar linkages have been discovered between rotund German and Samoan populations and rising ambient temperatures.

"For Every McDonalds, every Burger King, every Wendy's that goes up," said Correa, "we can expect America to sink another twenty feet into the ground. It's a shame ... a real shame."