Q Fever! Medical Humor & Satire

August 23, 2000 | Volume 1, Issue 6

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Astrology For The Medically Challenged™

Q Fever! isn't afraid to ask: "Do you believe in magick?"

Studies have shown conclusively that an unquestioning, mindless belief in the occult is an important part of the health and healing process.

And, much as licensed homeopaths do, we submit that the supernatural is in fact realer than what actually makes sense, or has been shown to be true.

Here's proof: Stetho-Scopes.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
What a month you have before you! A sudden bout of gastroenteritis will be followed by an enjoyable trip to a CME-eligible conference, where you will meet and befriend many a hapless soul. Luck seems all around you! Throw caution to the wind. Celebrate good times, come on! There's a party going on right here, let's celebrate - it'll last throughout the year.

Taurus (April 20 -May 20)
Your energy, like that of the tomatoes you've got growing out back, comes from the Sun after it enters Virgo on the 22nd. Your gluteal muscles may benefit from a workout on the 25th or 26th, but then take a break at an energy bar. When you work out again on the 29th, stretch first, as you don't want to pull anything, especially your gluteal muscles.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
Someone new will enter your life on Thursday, maybe even someone from a foreign country. Let's just hope that you know how to speak their language. You know how difficult it is to get a good history when you don't speak the language, and you know no translators will be available! Best thing to do is dial down the middle 1-800-CALL-ATT. Someone out there has got to know what's going on.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
Something's been nagging you, but you're not sure what. It's not your spouse and it's not your kids, 'cause you ain't got neither the one nor the other! And, you can sure bet it isn't your right second molar. Best thing to do is get one of those "pan-man-scans." If the CT scanner can't find it, there can't possibly be anything going on.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
Things will not go well for you this month. You wasted all your Karma last Friday at Serendipity's, and now it's time to build some back up. So when you're offered a breath mint, accept it; your breath really does stink! Also, you might want to try mouthwash and buying a new toothbrush. You're supposed to get a new one every 3 months, not every 3 years, dummy!

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept. 22)
Like I said before (were you paying attention or what?!), the sun reaches Virgo on the 22nd. After that, only good things will happen to you. Your C. difficile diarrhea will finally respond to that PO metronidazole. You were right to refuse the PO Vancomycin, even though red man syndrome has never been shown to occur with the oral formulation. Just remember, don't let any nurse culture you for VRE; your spouse never looked good in yellow gowns anyway.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Be sure to document well this month. Remember to sign and date all of your notes. Check twice before handing out any medications, because mistakes are bound to happen. Why do I say this, you ask? 'Cause Pat from Quality Management just got back from vacation with a major chip on his/her shoulder, that's why. Don't give 'em any excuses, ya hear?!

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
So, your computer broke down. This month, don't fix it yourself. Just sit back, call the Help Desk people, and wait a few weeks. They'll fix it eventually. Meanwhile, use this time to explore the hospital a bit. Ever wonder what would happen if you opened that door marked "Emergency Exit Only"? Well, open the door and run! Run like hell!!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
This month you are working on a higher level of consciousness than everyone else around you. Bask in the glory of your complete understanding. Bring a copy of Moby Dick to work with you and start explaining your work environment to others using only metaphors from the book. For instance, explain calmly that your unit coordinator or department head represents Captain Ahab, but be careful who you describe as the great white whale.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Fight as you will against the Gemini moon, her gravity is too much for you this month. So you should probably adjust your coumadin dose more carefully, at least until the new moon on the 29th. After that, be sure to go lightly on the green vegetables - remember what Momma always told you: "you won't be OK with excessive vitamin K, OK?!"

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Ah... Aquarius, the water sign, is my favorite. This month get in touch with your humours and true joy. Sure Pluto's direct motion has you wobbling like a Weeble this month, but keep a level head and learn from the Weeble. Breathe the Weeble, live the Weeble, and become the Weeble. Soon, you shall be the Weeble.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
The most fragile sign, Pisces must take extra care of its immune system. Just remember that red blood cells have the heart to pump 'em around, while the white blood cells get left out on their own. If you're not careful, the athlete's foot that's bothering you this month may move to your groin again. So take time out to take care, by taking your anti-fungals regularly. You'll be glad you did!

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