Q Fever! Medical Humor & Satire

October 4, 2000 | Volume 1, Issue 9

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Ohio Man Randomized

Lifelong dream becomes reality

CLEVELAND, OH—Bill Wilmington, a line supervisor at a brake-shoes manufacturing plant just outside Cleveland, can say it now: "Dreams do come true."

Bill Wilmington

Despite countless years attempting to enroll and partake in clinical trials, Wilmington's efforts had been met with disappointment until just two weeks ago, when he was successfully randomized to the placebo arm of a study involving the experimental pain reliever Arthranil (lamicofinil).

"I guess I just never gave up," said the Ohio native at a press conference yesterday. "People ask me all the time why it's so important to me, to do something like this. I just say to them, look, if it ain't important to someone, then who the heck's it ever gonna matter to?"

Over the years, Wilmington has been denied entry into a variety of clinical research trials, including those for cancer treatments, Alzheimer's dementia, and malaria prophylaxis, due to never having had any of the diseases that were required for enrollment in such studies.

"Well, I figured, eventually stuff like malaria is gonna be big, big, big here in Cleveland. Have you seen the size of them mosquitos?"

The Arthranil trial, in which Wilmington is currently enrolled, calls for participants who have arthritis and are under the age of 65. Wilmington, 62 years old in March, fulfilled the trial's stringent entry criteria by answering "yes" to a question asking if he had joint pain when the humidity is over 70%.

When asked if he noticed any improvement in his symptoms, Wilmington was unhesitant. "I feel better already! These pills are like magic on the joints. For sure, I'm gonna want to be on this stuff when it comes out."

Roche, makers of both Arthranil and the placebo Wilmington is taking, was unavailable for comment.

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