Cardiologist’s Nuts Itchin’ To Beat The Band

April 4, 2001

GAINSVILLE, FL—Sources have confirmed that Dr. Elliot Grasso, a highly respected interventional cardiologist, suddenly developed extremely itchy testicles while performing a cardiac catheterization this afternoon.

Dr. Elliot Grasso

Dr. Grasso, who is clad in a heavy lead apron and operative gown, as well as a cap, mask, and sterile surgical gloves, is unable to scratch himself. The itching is reported to be excruciating.

Some observers close to Dr. Grasso suggest that even if he were willing to break sterile technique in order to provide himself with much-needed digital friction, he would be unlikely to do so in full view of suite nurse Amy Stephens, radiology technician Joyce Abrams, and interventional cardiology fellow Dr. Jane-Ann McGrath.

The patient undergoing catheterization has apparently noticed nothing amiss, though both Abrams and McGrath have detected a "quiveriness" to Grasso's voice that was not present when the procedure started.

Experts here dismissed speculation that Grasso might be suffering from some sort of fungal or parasitic infestation of his groin area, suggesting that the episode is more likely a sporadic case of "idiopathic nut-scratchies". Dr. Grasso, 39, may be predisposed to this condition by his particularly hairy upper thighs.

Grasso remains in the catheterization suite at the time of writing, and is expected to complete the procedure. Following the procedure he is expected to excuse himself, and go scratch the bejeezus out of his nuts in the privacy of a bathroom stall.

Remember: Quality Without The Q Is Just Uality!