Sinners Languishing In Hell At Higher Risk For Canker Sores

April 4, 2001

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—A new study has found that sinners spending the rest of eternity burning in Hell have an almost 25% higher risk of oral aphthous ulcers, also known as canker sores, as compared with the national average.

Hell

These common and painful lesions, whose exact cause is unknown despite evidence suggesting a possible autoimmune basis, are often triggered by stressful events such as illness, lack of sleep, or the agony of everlasting damnation.

Scientists believe the extremely high temperatures of the infernal abyss, reaching upwards of 350F in the summer, play a major role in predisposing towards the irritating mouth ulcers.

Many also feel that a contributing factor may be the boiling water and filth that Satan, the overseer of Hell's perpetual flames, has decreed to be the drink of the cursed.

"Yeah, [canker sores] are a real problem down here," said Joel Kenilworth, 32, who was plunged into the pit of never-ending torment for coveting his neighbor's wife.

"I mean, it's bad enough I gotta wear the vest of bloody thorns, and I suppose I can eventually get used to the endless shower of axes, arrows, and stones, but, dammit, that Ambesol crap does NOT work!"

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