Q Fever! Medical Humor & Satire

August 1, 2001 | Volume 2, Issue 7

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Astrology For The Medically Challenged™

Q Fever! isn't afraid to ask: "Do you believe in magick?"

Studies have shown conclusively that an unquestioning, mindless belief in the occult is an important part of the health and healing process.

And, much as licensed homeopaths do, we submit that the supernatural is in fact realer than what actually makes sense, or has been shown to be true.

Here's proof: Stetho-Scopes.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
So you're stressed this month. You've got that big move ahead of you, and your new job as hospital epidemiologist awaits. Well, I could suggest a couple of things to do like RELAX and take that vacation to Canada you've always dreamed of taking, but that's never worked before. Instead, sit back in that cardiac chair that you "borrowed" from the CCU and drink that martini on the rocks with an inferior olive garnish.

Taurus (April 20 -May 20)
Small things bother you and mosquitoes know it. They bite you again and again 'til you're afraid to go outside. Well, there's good news and bad news in store for you. Which did you want to hear first? Fine. Mosquitoes don't carry Lyme Disease, as you'd previously feared. On the other hand, you now have West Nile Virus, and in only five days, you'll develop a severe headache due to aseptic meningitis, and drop into a week long stupor from which you will nearly recover.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
That paroxysmal chest pain's been bothering you again, eh? Well, the differential diagnosis is fairly broad, and although I'm tempted to invoke Occam's Razor again, I won't, for your sake. You see, your pain is due to costrochondritis, 3-vessel coronary artery disease and esophageal reflux, combined. So see your doctor, but take an aspirin, some Maalox and a last look in the mirror before you hop in a cab.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
So, your computer broke down. This month, don't fix it yourself. Just sit back, call the Help Desk people, and wait a few weeks. They'll fix it eventually. Meanwhile, use this time to explore the hospital a bit. One of my favorite things to do is visit the Seattle Café in the hospital atrium. When the cashier doesn't look too busy, tell him you'll be happy to cover while he takes a break. Then switch the decaf and caffeinated coffee. Oh, and don't forget to loosen the tops of the sugar dispensers before you head back to your office.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
Congrats. I never really thought it would happen, particularly to someone like you. I'm not talking about your recent engagement. I figured you'd eventually meet someone. No, I'm talking about your recent EGD. I never thought someone your age would need to have Legos removed from their stomach. Stop eating Legos.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept. 22)
When the moon enters Virgo later this month, it's time to take your yearly inventory. Tonsils, check. Appendix, check. Adenoids, check. Gall bladder, check. Nads, check, check. So you're all there. Except for the 17 pounds you lost with your last liposuction, but that'll grow back soon, now, won't it.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
This month, I would go to Taco Bell. It's not that I think Taco Bell is healthier for you than McDonald's, or In & Out Burger; it's just that there's a better variety of pseudo-Mexican fast food available at Taco Bell than anywhere else. And the best thing that ever happened in the history of gastroenterology was the creation of pseudo-Mexican fast food.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
You've somehow volunteered to be night nurse for Mr. Davis in room 364NW. Well, it's gonna be a tough stay. You can either smile when you pick up after him after he purposely spills his urinal on the floor, or you can complain. This month,be different and complain. Aask for a raise, even. Nurses are so under-valued and are in such short supply - think about it! Mr. Davis might even be your ticket to a new Toyota. (Or, at the very least, a new toy Yoda!)

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
This month is a good time for you to learn the difference between love and commitment. Love happens often. You love histology. And you love holding retractors during an AAA repair. Make sense yet? See, that sort of thing is easy to love, but are you committed? Do you have what it takes to come into work each day and smile as you carry the vascular surgery box and rewrap the stinkin' decube ulcers, day in and day out? Now that's love.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Capricorn has a moon problem this month and it will manifest as a series of urges. They will vary from food cravings (PBJ and the like), to all out bladder incontinence. When this happens, there's one product I like to recommend to all my Capricorn buddies - Depends, the best way to let loose the juice without anyone else noticing.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Ah... Aquarius, the water sign, is my favorite. This month is a month of change for you as well (see Aries above). This change is a bit different, though, though it does involve moving. A more radical, nystagmus-involving kind of moving. An "all-out terror as you plummet from the first hill of the world's tallest and least mechanically stable roller coaster" kind of moving. And then, when it's all over, give everyone around you a high-five, especially because you no longer recognize who they are.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
Nice going, Pisces. Nice going. You invented the "Code Red" worm, and now it's spreading everywhere and creating havoc. Now please come out and admit you did it and we'll go easy on you. Just remember - the best treatment for internet worms is a slug o' whiskey and a two-week course of mebendazole.

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