Q Fever! Medical Humor & Satire

January 17, 2001 | Volume 2, Issue 1

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Astrology For The Medically Challenged™

Q Fever! isn't afraid to ask: "Do you believe in magick?"

Studies have shown conclusively that an unquestioning, mindless belief in the occult is an important part of the health and healing process.

And, much as licensed homeopaths do, we submit that the supernatural is in fact realer than what actually makes sense, or has been shown to be true.

Here's proof: Stetho-Scopes.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
The weather outside may be frightful, but the lovin' in your heart is quite delightful and in full force this month. I suggest that you find some leftover mistletoe from the holidays and bring it to work. You never know when Pat will be in the mood.

Taurus (April 20 -May 20)
So, your computer broke down. This month, don't fix it yourself. Just sit back, call the Help Desk people, and wait a few weeks. They'll fix it eventually. Meanwhile, use this time to explore the hospital a bit. One of my favorite things to do is to explore the hospital's hydrotherapy suite. Most of these units are underutilized, so you can bring your swimsuit to work and enjoy a luxurious hot tub experience during lunch. Just remember to use the bathroom beforehand... we know where those bubbles are coming from!

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
A small mole on your nose has been bothering you for years. I bet you've tried to remove it yourself with utensils and chemicals. Well, if it really bothers you that much, just see a dermatologist. You'd better get there early though- tee time's at 2PM.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
You've won 12 NASCAR races. You're the hero of your family, your town, your state and the nation. In your honor, races have been renamed, coins have been minted and stamps have been printed. Your only problem is that you don't have much left to live for. Perhaps you should volunteer some time down at your local hospital. You always looked good in red and white striped outfits (or so your girlfriend says).

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
You're feeling down and out. Ripped off again on eBay and the Lexus is running a little rough. Relax. You have your whole life ahead of you. How old are you, 26? Just think back on the marverlous time you had during the holidays and look to the New Year as the first year of the rest of your life.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept. 22)
Someday your Prince will come. Last year you partied like it was 1999, but this year you fell a little short. Your stocks are down and so are your spirits. Recall that your spirits were down in 1992 and things turned out OK. Dig out your old Milli Vannili albums and consider that things HAVE gotten better.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Look to the 14th of the month. Orion rises early and so should you. Get up early and get to the airport, so you can catch an earlier flight. Get a window seat and look out upon our great land. Realize how lucky we all are; we're at peace with England and most of us have the opportunity to own a Playstation 2.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
People are paranoid. It's been a dark 18 months since the CIA found evidence that China stole secrets from your lab. Who knows why they're so interested in enterococci, but that doesn't seem to matter now, does it? Keep your calm and remember to order pizza. CIA dudes really like pizza.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Check your refrigerator. Is it running? If it is, perhaps you'd better go catch it, but only after you've checked with your doctor first, as you should before undertaking any new exercise program. Take your aspirin, beta-blocker, statin, and your cellphone in case you get into any trouble.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Santa wasn't too good to you this past year. What did you expect? You're kind-of mean and mostly out-of-touch with your significant other's life, emotions and dreams. Santa rewards those who are good to others. It is not enough to just avoid being bad, you gotta be good, too. Sins of omission are just as bad as those of commission. Check with the commissioner.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Ah... Aquarius, the water sign, is my favorite. You've been working way too hard this month and neglecting your true passions. Sure you made it to painting class and Yoga, but you forgot to leave time to write your novel about life during the French Revolution. Or was it the Beatles' Revolution #9?

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
Wise men say only fools rush in, or was it just your friend Weissman ordering food in Russian. Regardless, perhaps you should sing out loud on your way to work. Don't worry that others on the bus might mind your tunes - you never cared about them anyway.

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