Q Fever! Medical Humor & Satire

October 10, 2001 | Volume 2, Issue 8

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Telemetry Beeping To Be Replaced By Patriotic Melodies

Yankee Doodle to be played when tachycardias occur

OMAHA, NE--In the wake of last month's terrorist attacks, Advanced Telemetry Devices (ATD), the nation's leading medical telemetry systems manufacturer, has developed new alert sounds for their cardiac telemetry devices.

Telemetry Unit

Rudolf Markowitz, CEO and acting president of ATD, explained his decision at a press conference this morning.

"Our telemetry systems have alerted healthcare personnel to acute cardiac conditions for over two decades," he began, "and, as an American company, we believe that the present circumstances call for a patriotic salute to our nation's heroes."

Proposed Changes
Monitor shows: New alert:
Tachycardia > 120 Yankee Doodle
Bradycardia < 50 America the Beautiful
Asystole Amazing Grace
ST elevation Born in the USA
Lead has fallen off Star Spangled Banner
Patient eloped I Love L.A.

"Instead of Beep Beep Beep or Beeeeeeeeeep," continued Markowitz, "or BeepBeep BeepBeep or even BuhBeep BuhBeep BuhBeep, attention will be drawn to arrythmias using the classic melodies of great songs like America the Beautiful and Yankee Doodle Dandy."

The new sounds will be available on all of ATD's cardiac telemetry devices beginning this November; the company is also making available a software upgrade for all existing devices, which will contain the same stirring sounds.

"ATD is proud to offer this service," said a beaming Markowitz, "and all eight thousand of our employees are proud to be either Americans or foreigners with valid work visas."

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