Q Fever! Medical Humor & Satire

April 10, 2002 | Volume 3, Issue 2

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CDC Expands Definition of “Unsafe Sex”

Coitus during chainsaw juggling uncommon, but definitely hazardous

ATLANTA, GA--Dr. Jeffrey Koplan, director of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, announced today that the CDC will expand its definition of "Unsafe Sex" to include a number of novel sexual activities.

Dr. Jeffrey Koplan

Koplan said that many of the activities were unknown to the staid epidemiologists who staffed the CDC in 1985, when the term was originally defined.

"Basically, you had a group of people with real tame sex lives", said Koplan. "What did they know from sex?"

In addition to sex with multiple or sequential partners, anonymous sex, and unprotected anal intercourse, the CDC will now add the following forms of sex to the definition:

  • sex with any large ruminant
  • sex while operating a backhoe
  • sex on a rifle range or ordnance test site
  • sex balanced on the pointy tip of the Chrysler Building
  • sex involving any sort of body-snatching alien or oversized mutant praying mantis sex while juggling any sort of chainsaw, hedge-clipper, or power drill.

Visibly agitated and perspiring by the end of the press conference, Koplan excused himself to "go to the bathroom."

The new definitions take effect on Tuesday.

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