Q Fever! Medical Humor & Satire

August 10, 2005 | Volume 5, Issue 1

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Morning-After Condom Approved For OTC Sale

New contraceptive method calls for more sex after unprotected sex

WASHINGTON, DC—The Food & Drug Administration has approved a controversial “emergency contraceptive” for over-the-counter sale, said an FDA spokesperson at a news briefing earlier today.

Plan C™, the "morning-after condom"

Plan C™, also known as the “morning-after condom,” is distributed by Maxgen Pharmaceuticals and consists of two individually-packaged lubricated latex condoms containing the spermicide Nonoxynol-9. It is currently indicated for use only after a contraceptive “accident” or unprotected sex.

“The way it works is this,” said Maxgen representative Nathan Dorsey. “Let’s say you have a questionable sexual encounter. For example, you forgot to use protection. Within 24 hours, all you've got to do is roll on the first Plan C™ condom and have sex again. It doesn't even have to be with the same person. Then, 12 hours after that, just have sex one more time using the remaining Plan C™ condom.”

“We designed Plan C™ to be the safest method of post-coital contraception available, period,” said Dorsey. “There’s no nausea or vomiting, no abdominal pain, virtually no possibilty of any sort of adverse side effect. Plus, you get to potentially have sex with three different people, all in the space of 36 hours or less. What more could you ask for?!”

Dorsey added that Plan C™ is effective in preventing sexually transmitted diseases and HIV. “For when you use it, that is. It isn't going to prevent it if you already got it - common sense, really.”

Opponents of emergency contraception have voiced mixed opinions regarding the OTC sale of Plan C™.

Robin Vandegrift RN, chairperson of the pro-life group Right To Birth, was initially one of Plan C™’s most ardent critics, but now considers her stance “a little confused.”

“On the one hand,” said Vandegrift, “Plan C™ doesn’t seem to work by causing abortions, or by preventing the implantation of the embryo, or even by inhibiting ovulation. The fact is, Plan C™ isn’t any more effective in preventing pregnancies than random probability is. So that’s actually a good thing, isn’t it? I mean, isn’t that what we’ve been trying to accomplish?”

“On the other hand, well ... there’s gotta be something about this we can protest. All that sex, example. That can't be right. Right?”

Plan D™, the morning-after dental dam, is scheduled for OTC approval by early next year.

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