Q Fever! Medical Humor & Satire

October 5, 2005 | Volume 5, Issue 2

E Pluribus Jejunum


There’s No WAY My Tests Are Normal

By Earlene Stolz



Earlene Stoltz


You gotta be kidding.

Are you sure?

C'mon, there's gotta be something wrong.

Something really, really wrong.

Then you could give me some pills or something.

To help me feel better and stuff.

Because I need something.

Maybe there’s some other test you can do?

Something where maybe they’ll find a problem.

Because there’s got to be a problem.

A big problem.

How about an MRI?

I’m having a lot of trouble losing weight, you know.

I even tried the grapefruit diet. And Weight Watchers.

I did that one for a whole month.

And I started walking with my neighbor.

Until she moved to Denver.

That was a couple years ago.

So you’re saying there’s nothing wrong with my labs.

Can you give me some B12 shots then?

My other friend gets those.

She says it helps a lot.

Or how about this Mega-CoQ Vitamix?

That’s in this brochure they sent me in the mail.

Says it’s from a doctor!

There’s even a picture of the guy.

See, I have all the symptoms.

I’m tired, I can’t lose weight, and I sweat a lot.

It says all those things right here!

I already ordered it.

It was only $99.95 for a month’s supply.

That’s half off!


You think I should consider exercising and eating better?

How can I do that, if there’s something wrong I don’t know about?

That'll just make it worse!

So can you order some more tests?

I see.

You know, you doctors are all the same.

And here I thought you would be better than all the others.

You’re the fifth doctor this year I’m not coming back to.

You just lost a patient, doc.

A damn good one.

Have a nice rest of the day, doctor.

By the way, is there a Taco Bell near here?

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