WANTED
Currently 9 months pregnant, in need of OB-GYN ASAP. None available in Pennsylvania. Already 50% effaced; no time to wait. Willing to pay medical malpractice and waive right to sue. Attorney down the street interested in case but refuses to deliver baby. Whoa, just had a Brackston Hicks contraction! Please don't delay. Ask for Renee.

FISHING EXPEDITION
Interested parties sought for prolonged fishing expedition. In a futile effort to determine cause of your minor symptoms, tests of all types will be ordered, including CT Scan and MRI/MRA head/chest/abdomen/pelvis/spine, PET scan, Gallium scan, Indium scan, etc. Results will be negative; reimbursement will be demanded from your managed care provider. It's a win-win situation. Stop procrastinatin' and call us now!

WANTED
Sengstaken-Blakemore tube needed for immediate use. Got a patient in ICU having variceal bleed. Joe in central supply says he can't locate the ones he ordered last month. How much you wanna bet the bastard didn't actually order 'em? It's happened before. Look, time's running out. Willing to pay top dollar. Patient would be grateful too. No need to call; just bring it on over to the Medical ICU. Now.

FOR SALE
150-page collection of medical humor and satire culled from the Q Fever! website, 2000-2002. Aimed towards healthcare professionals, but can be dug by just about anyone. Portable, concise, and packed with protein, carbohydrates and phat. Click here for more information.