Q Fever! Medical Humor & Satire

February 7, 2001 | Volume 2, Issue 2

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Astrology For The Medically Challenged™

Q Fever! isn't afraid to ask: "Do you believe in magick?"

Studies have shown conclusively that an unquestioning, mindless belief in the occult is an important part of the health and healing process.

And, much as licensed homeopaths do, we submit that the supernatural is in fact realer than what actually makes sense, or has been shown to be true.

Here's proof: Stetho-Scopes.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
If you think you can hold all of your emotions inside, you probably can. Don't listen to all of the other astrologists that tell you otherwise. The more psychic toxins you hold in the better. Purification can be over-rated, particularly if you already drink bottled water. However, when you can't hold it in any longer, just remember "2 colace 2-night," and all of your troubles will soon be but a distant memory.

Taurus (April 20 -May 20)
Once you figure out the meaning of life, let us all in on the secret! Your huge, Taurean ego can't handle the pressure of that sort of knowledge all by its lonesome. Or is it that your huge Taurean Eggo can't handle all of the butter and syrup you keep slathering on it in the morning, and neither can your cholesterol? Let us know if you figure that one out too.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
So, your computer broke down. This month, don't fix it yourself. Just sit back, call the Help Desk people, and wait a few weeks. They'll fix it eventually. Meanwhile, use this time to explore the hospital a bit. One of my favorite things to do is to call up my local county examiner's office and ask 'em how things are going, and if they need any more business. Oh, and remember to make the call from the ER waiting room.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
You are at ease this month. Thanks to an Aries in your life, you're living the high life. Lots of things are going your way. Way your way. Think about others this month, particular those that are less fortunate or at least have a lower ejection fraction.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
So you just completed an abstract and submitted it to your local science fair. Now spend some more time thinking in the abstract. Colors, shapes and ideas all blend into one fireball of explosive discovery emanating from your mind and body. If that seems too scary to you, try Maalox.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept. 22)
Congrats, you survived your hemi-colectomy, your NG tube and all those transfusions. You even survived the 20+ hours of that PBS Jazz special. I mean if they can't say it in a ½-hour sitcom format, it probably ain't worth saying, capiche?

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
The moon is leaving, and soon... so shall you. The word on the street is that you usually get mooned when you leave, but I think it's probably over-blown. Just remember: Moon your honey before you marry, your honeymoon won't be as scary!

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
The universe is a strange place. Jupiter has ringworm and so does Uranus. That's an itch you ought to scratch! Read more and explore the worlds around you. How much time do you spend on the web? If you're reading this, it's already way too much.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Your ELISA's weakly positive, and your Western blot isn't back yet. You're at wit's end, and you don't even know what disease they're checking you for! Plus, you found out on the Internet there's a Southern blot AND a Northern blot, and not only haven't they checked those tests, they haven't even checked your testes. Relax.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Little people always seem to get in your way. Okay, so you're a pediatrician, but what I meant was the unimportant and insignificant people, not the cute kids in your office. The best thing to do is picture annoying people like that in their underwear, or better yet, in your underwear: silly pink, polka dot underwear with Superman on the back. Now don't you feel better already?

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Ah... Aquarius, the water sign, is my favorite. You've worked really hard at the office and things are going OK, but not great. Well, this time it may be best to go with the flow for a wee-bit. Sometimes, when you find yourself pushing against a brick wall, you just gotta relax and use the door instead. That's why I.M. Pei put it there!

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
Little Bo-Peep has lost her sheep, and Mary had a Little Lamb. Little Jack Horner is way over in the Corner and someone's eating curds and whey. So does it really surprise you that your pocket full of posies is really the cause of your awful allergies, and there ain't no non-sedating antihistamine that's gonna accomplish what some good ol' fashioned spring laundering'll do.

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