Q Fever! Medical Humor & Satire

April 4, 2001 | Volume 2, Issue 4

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New Combination Alpha, Beta, H2, Serotonin Reuptake Blocker Released

Also blocks dopamine, norepinephrine, FSH, LH, others

EDISON, NJ—Scientists at Smithkline Beecham Industries announced today the official release of Bloxin®, a new drug which has the unprecedented ability to block peripheral alpha, beta, and H2-receptors, while simultaneously inhibiting the reuptake of serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine in the central nervous system.


Bloxin® (methylpruoxetine) is also reported to block the production and release of the pituitary hormones FSH, LH, TSH, ACTH, growth hormone, vasopressin, and prolactin, as well as the hypothalamic releasing hormones TRH and GnRH.

In addition, available data suggests that Bloxin® directly inhibits the release of thyroxine, estrogen, testosterone, insulin, and glucagon, and opposes the action of both acetylcholine and acetylcholinesterase at the level of the synaptic cleft.

Also disabled are HMG-CoA reductase, GABA, prekallikrein, kallikrein, and bradykinin, both the cellular and humoral arms of the immune system, and the vitamin K-dependent coagulation factors (plus thrombin and antithrombin III).

Moreover, researchers strongly believe Bloxin® irreversibly inactivates calcium channels, angiotensin converting enzyme and angiotensin receptors, aldosterone, distal tubule sodium resorption, and the intracellular Na+/K+ pump.

"Let's not forget that Bloxin® completely neutralizes the cytochrome p450 system, competes highly for systemic protein binding sites, and inhibits COX-1, COX-2, thymidine kinase, and xanthine oxidase," says Dr. Andrew Wellman, Smithkline Beecham's head of biotechnology.

"And, it would be a shame to leave out Bloxin®'s ability to deactivate DNA gyrase, topoisomerase II, tumor necrosis factor, IL-1, IL-2, IL-3, IL-4, IL-5, IL-6, IL-7, IL-8, IL-9, IL-10, and IL-11," continues Wellman. "Not to mention its inhibition of microtubule formation, reverse transcriptase, osteoclast activity, and prostaglandin synthesis."

Al Gore

Side effects are rare, often consisting of no more than a mild headache; former Vice President Al Gore, who has been using Bloxin® since its Phase II studies in the early 1990's, has reported no major adverse reactions, and has publicly attributed a great deal of his charismatic persona and political success to the medication's effects.

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