Q Fever! Medical Humor & Satire

February 6, 2002 | Volume 3, Issue 1

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Astrology for the medically challenged

Q Fever! isn't afraid to ask: "Do you believe in magick?"

Studies have shown conclusively that an unquestioning, mindless belief in the occult is an important part of the health and healing process.

And, much as licensed homeopaths do, we submit that the supernatural is in fact realer than what actually makes sense, or has been shown to be true.

Here's proof: Stetho-Scopes.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You've just finished listening to the latest hour of Car Talk on NPR (or was it the Green Day concert at the X-Games?). Now what're you gonna do? Try kicking back; crank up Blink 182 and let your colon do its thing, 'cause nothing cleans out impacted fecal material quite like Enema of the State. Unfortunately, there isn't much that can be done about your anal-neurotic obsession with scatological humor.

Taurus (April 20 -May 20)
You've survived the winter holidays and are looking forward to the ones in the spring, especially St. Patrick's Day. Think of the fun things you can decorate your nursing station with. One of my favorite things to do is cut 10-inch green clovers out of construction paper and use them to tape shut the backs of patient gowns. Added privacy for your patients means brownie points for you!

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
Wash your hands. The both of you. When it comes to infection risk factors, poor and/or inadequate hand washing is the number one culprit. Number two? Fungus between the toes and underneath the toenails. Especially yours! Especially yours. And you're gonna need more than soap for those nasties, let me tell you!

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
There are usually 2 types of refrigerators in hospitals: one for food and one for medications. Be careful to put your food in the food-fridge and only inject patients with stuff from the medication one. Trust me, OK? I mean... Look, it was just a mistake, an honest mistake! Do you gotta bring it up every time?!? Fine. FINE!!

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
Tired of driving that beat-up Toyota and living off your measly intern salary, while the attending physicians are all driving luxo-liners? Well, the next time that ortho-doc goes on about his BMW 733, just remind him that you're bangin' his wife while he's in the OR taking a bullet out of the femur of the guy you shot. That'll shut him up but good!

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept. 22)
With the moon over Bourbon Street, it's probably best to stay away from restricted meds. I'm referring to your patients, not you - you can do whatever you want. And don't you think it's about time they added cool designs to those narcotic patches? Fentanyl "temporary tatoos" would be fun, and they wouldn't hurt a bit to remove!

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Libras, I know you're a little sensitive to criticism, but sit tight and hear me out. When you're reading through the serum chemistries and you get to the blood urea nitrogen, please say "B.U.N." and not "bun." Saying "bun" makes you sound like a complete freakin' idiot.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Triple lumens, double lumens, single lumens - what is this, the IVIV Olympics? It's a fact though: you get more points with your resident if you place a triple lumen catheter every time and ignore any pleadings for a simple IV. Note, though, that popping a Cordis into the internal jugular is the mother load - equivalent to a quadruple sow-cow followed by a triple toe loop - for you skating enthusiasts out there.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Ring around the foley, put 'em in a posey, ashes ashes we all fall down. That's just a little tune I made up to help you remember what to do with a difficult patient. You can only posey someone who is at risk of harming himself or herself or others, so only use one when necessary. And if you decide to posey yourself, make sure your foley isn't within grabbing distance.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Stop smoking already, willya?! February's National Capricorn Smoking Cessation Month. Check this: cigarette smoke's been shown to kill ciliated mucosa in the nose, pharynx, larynx, trachea, lungs, and wherever the hell else there are ciliated mucosa. And frankly, we just don't need that kind of killing going on right now. I mean, sheesh, whaddaya have against ciliated mucosa, anyways?

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Ah... Aquarius, the water sign, is my favorite. You spend your whole life searching for the right person and when he finally shows up, you don't even notice. What's your deal, girl? Don't you see him? Yeah, him! Smolarsky in room 362. Stop standing there and go talk to him, you devil you! And don't forget to ask about smoking history and review of systems.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
Pisces, I wish I had some good news for you this month, but golly, bad news just seems to follow you around. This time, it looks like you've been fired. I guess the administration doesn't think the hospital really needs someone who goes around pretending to be J.J. from Good Times, after all. Don't worry though - you convinced 'em once, you'll convince 'em again!

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