Q Fever! Medical Humor & Satire

October 10, 2001 | Volume 2, Issue 8

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Astrology for the medically challenged™

Q Fever! isn't afraid to ask: "Do you believe in magick?"

Studies have shown conclusively that an unquestioning, mindless belief in the occult is an important part of the health and healing process.

And, much as licensed homeopaths do, we submit that the supernatural is in fact realer than what actually makes sense, or has been shown to be true.

Here's proof: Stetho-Scopes.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A large lipoma is forming on your back. Every day it will grow and grow, until it is larger than you, your family, and quite possibly the world itself. But don't worry - it's benign.

Taurus (April 20 -May 20)
In trying times like these, it's best to look deep inside yourself for answers - and to rely on family members and close friends for assistance. To incorporate both of these ideas, have a family member or close friend place you under light sedation, then stick an endoscope down your esophagus. Enjoy the show on the monitor!

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
The trouble with being a Gemini is that, when you eat, you have to eat for two. This can create certain problems, since Geminis are given only one body. Still, that's not a legitimate excuse for your weighing over 450 pounds; even if you actually were two people, you'd both still be fat freaks.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
You gotta start livin' your life free of fear! Just 'cause you felt a couple of palpitations doesn't mean it's v-tach. Have you considered cutting back on your coffee intake? Seven cups seems like too many, especially since you're also taking Sudafed. And, don't forget about your overactive thyroid. Not to mention your pheochromocytoma.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
So you got engaged and bought a house. Good for you - your dreams are coming true! Just remember the little things that helped you along the way. I'm talking, of course, about E. coli. These little buggers have been part of your normal intestinal flora since you were just a tyke. So avoid unnecessary antibiotics, cuz' when you mess with E. coli, you mess yourself.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept. 22)
Stop smoking already, willya?! October's National Virgo Smoking Cessation Month. Check this: cigarette smoke's been shown to kill ciliated mucosa of the nose, pharynx, and lungs, and frankly, we just don't need that kind of killing going on right now.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Probiotics vs. antibiotics - it's a war out there. So go ahead. Eat yogurt. Use antibacterial soap. But what if you had to choose between the two? And what if choosing one meant that the other was made forever unavailable to you? What then? What, indeed.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Safety and cleanliness are paramount. Double glove when you draw blood, and place your sharps in the specially marked containers. And remember, every hospital room has a shower - use it before and after each patient on rounds!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
You have an urge to watch as much television as possible this month. Remember to drink 7-8 glasses of water daily, and eat plenty of fiber. More importantly, shift positions every few hours and turn on your venodyne boots. Nothing spoils a sitcom like developing a stage 3 decube on your ass followed by a massive PE.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
This is your month to shine. We're so very proud of you. You deserve everything you've worked so hard for, and you've earned it. Congratulations are in order now that you've achieved your goals. Now if you'd just admit you blew some major wind just now - we all know you did it.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Ah... Aquarius, the water sign, is my favorite. This month you have a new job. That is so great. Really. Except, you've still got persistent coagulase negative Staph bacteremia, and this time it ain't no contaminant. So how 'bout changing that groin line already? And no using a wire this time, you effin' pervert.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You somehow volunteered to be night nurse for Mr. Smolarsky in room 362. Sigh... it's gonna be a long evening. But you know what? It's people like you that make this country what it is. Chin up - you're the best & America needs you. And that there ain't no joke.

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