Q Fever! Medical Humor & Satire

October 5, 2005 | Volume 5, Issue 2

E Pluribus Jejunum


Avoiding Colds

The first of our new Q!-Tips series on staying healthy
In continuing with Q Fever!'s longstanding tradition of providing high quality public services at a fraction of the coherence of less-questionable sources, we present Q!-Tips, a new series designed to give you up-to-the-minute advice on: The Things That Matter To You™.

With winter approaching, as people begin to spend more of their time indoors with one another, now is a perfect time to start preparing for the upcoming cold and flu season.

More specifically, it's time for you to start making definite plans to relocate, permanently, to somewhere where it's sunny and warm all-year-round. Seriously, now. Sure you like the change of seasons. Sure you do.

But chances are, you're not going anywhere, so unless you want to be sick 24-7 for the next few months, you might as well take a dose of common sense and observe some simple precautions to protect your health!

Here, then, are some easy-to-follow suggestions for: Avoiding Colds.

  • Antibacterial gels are an excellent method of killing viruses and bacteria where they do the most harm. During cold and flu season, give two squirts four times a day into each nostril.
  • Sometimes washing your hands can be hard to remember. Maybe if you weren't such a retard.
  • Whenever possible, hire a manservant to open doors and stuff for you. Where you're from, that's what minorities are for.
  • Keep in mind that airborne "droplets" are the most common way colds are spread for most people, but for you, it's the fecal-oral route. It's like, analingus may be fun and all, but really. (Flying to Ireland on Aer Lingus, however, is acceptable.)
  • Germs can live for days on dishes and silverware. That's why it's recommended that you mix a quarter-cup of hydrogen peroxide with anything you eat or drink.
  • Whenever you sneeze, you're basically releasing a cloud of particles containing of millions of infectious agents into the air at over 100 MPH. Thanks a lot, douchebag.
  • Like humans and animals, computers can also become "infected" with "viruses"; if that happens, they too should be "shot" and "killed".
  • In public, it's perfectly fine for you to wear a surgical mask and latex gloves at all times, as everyone's already quite aware you're a loser.
  • "Double-dipping" into the salsa during a friendly get-together or game is probably not the best thing to do, since germs might be spread during subsequent "dips." The same goes for "double-dipping" during group sex.
  • When cold symptoms first appear, it's imperative that you head straight to your doctor's office, because, you know, you've never had a freakin' cold before.
  • If you do catch a severe cold, remember that more than half the people in your age group survive these kinds of illness.

  • More Stuff!

web qfever.com

Remember: Quality Without The Q Is Just Uality!


Mailing List

New issues, etc.



Confirm Email:

The Q Fever!

Makes a great

only $13.99