Q Fever! Medical Humor & Satire

April 4, 2001 | Volume 2, Issue 4

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Report: Going Cold Turkey Best Method Of Smoking Cessation

Drumstick, wing effective in curbing nicotine cravings

LONDON, England—A new report released by the British Medical Society suggests that, for millions of smokers, "going cold turkey" may be the best method of smoking cessation.

Cold Turkey: Not Covered
By Most Insurance Plans

According to researchers, tobacco users who smoke refrigerated turkey drumsticks or wings in place of regular cigarettes achieve up to a 43% quit rate, as compared to 30% for traditional nicotine-replacement therapies. Furthermore, when combined with a counseling program incorporating mashed potatoes, gravy, and stuffing, the long-term quit rate was found to increase to almost 60%.

"Smoked turkey produces the same psychosocial enjoyment, with none of the nicotine or tar, as compared with your traditional cigarette," said Dr. Milton Scrivner, noted tobacco expert. "It also effectively replicates the texture and feel of a real cigarette, except for the part where you're smoking a leg of turkey."

Also in development are wearable patches consisting of thin slices of turkey cold-cuts applied to the skin once a day, which, it is hoped, will deliver a fairly constant dose of delicious, mouth-watering tobacco-fighting turkey 'round-the-clock.

As with other smoking cessation aids, weight gain is a potentially adverse effect, particularly when the meat is first basted with savory seasoned butter, then roasted until its moisture content reaches juicy perfection.

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