Q Fever! Medical Humor & Satire

April 4, 2001 | Volume 2, Issue 4

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Astrology For The Medically Challenged™

Q Fever! isn't afraid to ask: "Do you believe in magick?"

Studies have shown conclusively that an unquestioning, mindless belief in the occult is an important part of the health and healing process.

And, much as licensed homeopaths do, we submit that the supernatural is in fact realer than what actually makes sense, or has been shown to be true.

Here's proof: Stetho-Scopes.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Yeats would say: "Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths, Enwrought with golden and silver light, The blue and the dim and the dark cloths. Of night and light and the half-light, I would spread the cloths under your feet: But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." Wouldn't you agree with him?

Taurus (April 20 -May 20)
Uncertain conditions with regard to your career are becoming extremely aggravating. It is better to let your frustrations out now than hold them in. Just remember that it's never good to explode while at work, particularly if you are doing a complicated colonoscopy at the time.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
You may be feeling good right now, as Jupiter transits your sign for an extended period this month. That adventurous spirit is grabbing hold of you and won't let go! Be careful not to mix AZT with D4T though, as some things never go together no matter where Jupiter happens to be.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
Ideal financial situations should present themselves this month. You're walking on sunshine, and don't it feel good! Let everyone around you feel your presence. Just make sure that they're wearing clean latex gloves.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
You are attracted to someone whose sense of timing has been a bit off. Even if you live in the same place, it may be best to wait while their MRSA is treated. Relations can be a bit difficult when you are both wearing those yellow gowns. On the bright side, neither of you require mask precautions.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept. 22)
So, your computer broke down. This month, don't fix it yourself. Just sit back, call the Help Desk people, and wait a few weeks. They'll fix it eventually. Meanwhile, use this time to explore the hospital a bit. Ever wonder what lies inside that closet by the elevator? Now's your time to find out.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Your creativity is enhanced under the Aquarius moon. Now is the time to head over to Pediatrics and share some warmth and fun with the sick kids there. Teach them Monopoly or some card games; just make sure not to steal little Jimmy's green marker again, because he's watching you this time.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
The Pisces moon later next week makes it a good time to collaborate on a group project. If you see an orderly having trouble pushing a large patient, help him out. If the surgeon is having trouble getting a view of the spleen, grab an extra retractor - you'll be glad you did!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
When the moon enters Pisces next week, it's time to lose the details and focus on the big picture. Make an effort to remember important meetings and other important things, and most importantly remember to take your Aricept, because if you forget to remember then you can forget it.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Your formula for success has gotten you far. You like your career, you like your patients, and you even like your SUV. This month, however, your formula has to change. You are a little acidic, and your oxygen dissociation curve has shifted a little. Just keep breathing and you should get through this just fine.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Ah... Aquarius, the water sign, is my favorite. Large pebbles in a small stream speak to you with sound and reflected light. Most only see and do not hear; some hear and do not see... and some hear and see both. And of course, many overhear but hear not, see not, for they be not.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
By Saturday you may feel as though you are wading in a think fog. Time to finally get those cataracts removed. You can only put off taking care of yourself so long. Eventually, you have to realize that you are the only you you've got, and this is good advice for everybody, not just Pisces, though Pisces clearly stands to benefit from it the most.

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