Q Fever! Medical Humor & Satire

July 2, 2003 | Volume 4, Issue 2

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“Hot” Patient Apparently Not That Hot

Highly anticipated return visit a “disappointment”

MIAMI, FL–The highly anticipated return visit of Vivian Currin, a 19-year-old Miami woman previously felt to be “incredibly hot,” was declared a “huge disappointment” earlier today by Dr. John Dearborn, her primary care physician.

Dr. John Dearborn

According to Dearborn, Currin’s initial visit with him at the Kirkland Family Care Clinic was approximately six months ago, to have a school physical exam form filled out. “She’s this 18-year-old, blonde, beautiful, hot, hot girl, and I could barely keep my hands from shaking,” said Dearborn this afternoon. “And she didn’t have any complaints, and was just a nice, sweet person, and I was thinking to myself, damn, why can’t all my patients be like this?”

“There was a space on the form for ‘Breasts’ and ‘Genitalia.’ Oh, man. Jeez. In the end I couldn’t bring myself to do it though – it was just too damn stressful. I just filled them in ‘Normal’ and left it at that. Hell, even listening to her heart and lungs nearly made me pass out.

Dearborn requested that Currin return for a follow-up visit in a month, but, when she asked “A month? For what?,” he was unable to answer, and reportedly stammered, “Uh ... S... six months then?”

After Currin’s appointment was made, Dearborn says he had marked the date down on his own calendar, and had even “lost a little sleep, I was so excited.”

“So today finally came, and I go in the room, and I’m like, what the ...?” said Dearborn after Currin’s return visit this afternoon. “I mean, she was cute, barely, but hot? No way. What was I thinking? And you know what? She asked me for her annual pap smear, and I’m like, no problem, and just did the pelvic exam as if she were one of my 85-year-old patients. No problem whatsoever.”

Currin’s next appointment will not be until July 2005. Dearborn, however, is still looking forward to the return visits of Currin’s sister Dawn, 17, and mother Amanda, 39.

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